The Chain Gang
by elfchicks
Summary: What happens when you chain Galadriel, Elrond, Celeborn, Denethor, and Gandalf together and let them run loose?


**The Chain Gang **

_Aranel & Encaitare; 2004_

_Disclaimer: All unoriginal characters belong to the mighty Tolkien. We thought up this story during one of our more intelligent conversations and formed a rough plot amidst throes of endless giggles. We did it as a round robin, so in the areas where it suddenly goes insane, that is where we alternated authors. Now, without further ado, we present **The Chain Gang.**_

One fine spring day, Elrond, Galadriel, Celeborn, Denethor, and Gandalf were chained together. Actually, it was Pippin's idea. With his optimistic peacemaker personality, he thought that it might teach them all to be compatible together, a skill that they needed so badly to hone. Everyone but Denethor was substantially easy to capture at first, but he couldn't resist when he smelt Pippin's 50 pound roasted chicken. He walked right into a trap.

After this event, everyone was chained together in a wide ring by his or her hands and necks. The Fellowship vacated Lothlórien soon after, partly because the Chain Gang was shrieking so loud, for what reason Pippin couldn't tell.

Galadriel was retching herself dry. When the others inquired why, she informed them that Gandalf carried a horrid scent and that she would die soon if he didn't take a bath. Therefore, they dragged the struggling wizard down to the banks of the Anduin River.

"Why I ought to…," yelled Denethor, splashing and kicking in the pale eddying water. They pulled him out of the water and continued on their way to Fangorn Forest. Of course, a steady stream of bickering went with them.

"This is all your fault Mithrandir!" railed the steward of Gondor vehemently.

"How so?" asked Gandalf.

"I don't know, it just is!" responded Denethor, perfectly pleased with his lame explanation.

"Stop arguing!" ordered Celeborn. "Can you not see that my venerable wife has a head-ache?"

"As if your wife has more lofty a position than mine did, Dad," said Elrond. "I can call you dad, right?"

"Our daughter is no longer with us," said Galadriel, "and it's all your fault! And no, you may not call him 'Dad'."

"Hm…" said Treebeard when they arrived. "Here, let me hold that." He grabbed the end of the chain that dangled loose and promptly fell asleep. Now they were all stuck with Treebeard until he woke up. A nap in Treebeard's terms could last as much as fifty years, and as you can imagine, the Chain Gang didn't intend to sit there for that long.

"This is unbelievable!" remarked an irked Celeborn, who was chained up between Galadriel and Elrond. "The Fellowship is all turncoats! And it's my massage time right now!" Everyone went quiet. Just quiet enough to hear Denethor let off a big one.

"'Scuse me," said the steward. "That would be the 50 pound chicken."

"Oh, how vulgar!" shrieked Galadriel, fanning the air in front of her face violently. Her countenance went a sickly shade of green and she nearly fainted.

After this event, she commenced shanking Denethor with the chain.

"Augh!" cried Denethor.

"Shut up!" commanded Elrond. "As if it isn't bad enough that my daughter is in love with a lunatic! Now I'm chained up to a fat, intermittently insane mortal who relishes lighting himself on fire and trying to fly! On top of that, he likes to kill poor, innocent rabbits for an ugly, voluptuous fur coat! And," said Elrond sniffing the air and wrinkling his nose in disgust, "he hasn't bathed in a year!"

"_I_ regularly take a bath only once a year," retorted Gandalf, feeling ill-used. "It's a long-running tradition!"

"Blast your traditions!" yelled Celeborn. "My wife wants you both to bathe, and she's the queen so you better do it! Or else…." he added, a sinister note joining his intonation.

"Make me," challenged Denethor, endeavoring fruitlessly to cross his arms. Elrond went silent and glared at the pompous steward.

"Gandalf," he finally said, "give me your cane."

"My cane?" questioned the wizard indignantly. "What do you mean 'cane'? I don't possess a 'cane'! You mean _staff_. I don't really use it as a cane, just so you know. I'm not that old. Only about two thousand years, that's all."

"Well, whatever you want to call what you are holding in your hand," sighed Elrond. Galadriel snatched it viciously and passed it down the line to Elrond. Elrond fingered the smooth white surface of the staff and abruptly clocked Denethor savagely with it.

"Hey, why am I always getting picked on?" lamented Denethor, ignoring his throbbing head. Then, he fell unconscious. The others dragged him to a Gondorian monastery, where they let the monks bleed Denethor, thinking that it might improve his condition. The steward went insane and began knocking over the bowls of blood, dragging the others behind like a string of destruction, pulverizing everything in the monastery. Without warning, Treebeard woke up and found himself being dragged behind a psycho-maniac inside a monastery.

"Hm," mused Treebeard. "What's this? Hm…." He seized a stool and hit Celeborn with a heavy blow. Then Galadriel, and then a stray baboon, and then Denethor, Gandalf, and some miscellaneous and random monks. Then Treebeard realized that the stool was made of wood.

"AUUUGGHHH!" he bellowed. "Uncle Trimlimb!" The monks were breaking candles over Denethor's toupee-clad head in an attempt to knock the crazy steward out. After that, Treebeard smashed Uncle Trimlimb over Gandalf and Elrond's heads. When Treebeard hit all of them, they each made a different sound. Celeborn resembled a loud boom, Galadriel like chimes, Gandalf a gong, Denethor a trumpet, and Elrond a hollow log. Elrond was aghast. He flushed a thousand shades of crimson. He ferociously turned on his attacker. He whirled about in one startling motion, whipping Galadriel with his flying braid that was raven-black in color.

"Oh no!" cried Gandalf. "Hair wars!" Gandalf swung his head forward, smacking Galadriel in the face with it. Galadriel tossed her head forward, lashing both Elrond and Celeborn at once. Elrond slapped Denethor silly with his evil braid, only to compel Denethor to remove his toupee and thrash him with it.

"Ahh!" yelled Gandalf, cutting Denethor right in the throat with his long white braid. Celeborn was getting really worked up. After he sacked Elrond, he accidentally socked an innocent monk with his whipping blonde braid. The monk was aghast that he should be singled out as a target for this chain gang's feud, so he tried to return the favor, only he was bald and so it didn't work that well. The monk was just bobbing around, didn't really know which way was up. Suddenly, Treebeard decided to go for a walk.

"Hm," he resonated. "Come with me." He grabbed the chain and dragged them all out of the obliterated monastery. He dragged them all the way to Haradwaith. Everyone was going insane by then, especially Galum (Galadriel) who was convinced that someone was hiding her precious. Actually, Celeborn had swiped Nenya after he caught her staring longingly at it every second of the day. She crawled about on all fours as best she could, (she was chained to four other people, not counting Treebeard) her face and body were gaunt, her dress a thin white tatter about her once powerful frame. She went about hissing to herself. She would sneak up behind Celeborn (at least she thought she was sneaking) and mutter:

"What's it got in its pocketses?"

"A cabbage!" answered Celeborn. "It's my precious." After the five of them got shed of Treebeard, (They dug a great big pit while he wasn't looking and he stepped right in it, plunging to his doom) they decided to go look for the Fellowship and ask if they would unchain them before they all went nutso. While they walked through the deep, dark forest, they managed to become stuck in a large mud puddle. The muck contained in this particular puddle was green and brown in color, a sticky, viscous substance that was easy to fall into because it so resembled the forest floor in color and appearance. Perhaps this is the reason that our Chain Gang stumbled into it and found themselves knee-deep in enclosing muck. Elrond was muttering curses vociferously. Galum was shrieking:

"Stupid fat Celeborn! It ruins us!" She was up to her eyelids in scum.

"Yuck!" exclaimed Elrond, spewing slime out of his mouth. This standing around soon grew tedious, not to mention monotonous. They decided they would endeavor to amuse themselves as best they could. A temporary insanity ensued, as they all acquired amnesia.

"Hi, I'm Elrond," said Elrond.

"Hi, I'm Celeborn."

"Hi, I'm Denethor."

"Our name…our name is…Galum…," said Galadriel.

"Hi, I'm Gandalf."

"Hi, I'm Elrond." So on and so forth. It went on and on and on. They introduced themselves to each other for years, until the slime and mud dried up and Treebeard came and pulled the clump of mud and chains out. By that time, the Chain Gang resembled a tangled mass of scum, slime, mud, and chains all piled on top of human shapes.

"Our face!" shrieked Galum. "It's all dirty! Our beautiful face!"

"Hi, I'm Denethor," said the steward.

"Shut up!" yelled Galum, Gandalf, Celeborn, and Elrond.

"We still need to find the Fellowship and Faramir," Gandalf pointed out.

"Faramir too?" confirmed the old man. "'Tis a shame!"

After our favorite chain gang pulled their grubby selves out of the vicinity of the pit, they had a nasty idea. During the night, they chopped Denethor's hand off with a sharp stone and threw it to the birds, which carried it off to their capacious aeries to feed their young.

Meanwhile, Denethor woke up and discovered that Pippin had eaten the keys to the lock. They were so angry, they leapt as one upon the reposing Fellowship, smashing them into the ground.

"Take that, and that, and that!" yelled Celeborn, punching Gimli and shoving dirt in his mouth. Elrond did a slow-mo two-kick in the air knocking both Aragorn and Faramir to the ground at once.

Denethor began to gnaw on Merry's leg. "I'm a cannibal! Muhahahahahahahaha!" he chortled evilly. Gandalf pounded Frodo, Sam, and Pippin into the ground with his cane. Galum and Legolas started a wrestling match. Chains were clanking noisily throughout the night, as the match ensued. Elrond's fist shot out at once, clipping Celeborn in the cheek. He instantly heard the distinctive cracking of muscle and bone and Celeborn's head flew back with a sickening crunch. Elrond himself was aghast as he noticed Celeborn's bruised and bloodied cheek, the red sticky substance pouring forth profusely. Celeborn was retching up blood and his chest heaved with uncontrollable sobs. Galum was bowled over. She began to hiss manically and she leapt forward, biting off Elrond's trembling finger with a snap of her vice-like jaws. Elrond cried out, cracking the iron chain around his wrist over Galum's head. Gandalf tried to stay out of the fray, but he was in the middle of it and it was difficult to escape. Celeborn finally came up with a terrific punch, but instead of Elrond, it caught Gandalf in the chin, dropping the old man like a sheet of silk before a hurricane. The hurricane blew them down to Minas Tirith, where they found an odd key. They put it into each of their locks and tried to turn it, but it only worked on Denethor's chains. They immediately snapped open and the steward was free.

"Freedom!" cheered Denethor, racing inside the city as if he had a herd of snapping turtles on his tail.

"Waaaaaa!" everyone wailed.

"Well," said Celeborn finally, "we might as well go into the West." Therefore, they staggered to the Grey Havens and boarded a great white ship that lay there at anchor. However, a few days out to sea, everyone was wearied of Gandalf's muttering voice. Consequently, they hurled him overboard. The only problem was that they had forgotten that they were chained to him. It shouldn't have come as a surprise that they suddenly found themselves in the churning ocean water. And as they bobbed up and down in the aqua blue water like deranged sea turtles, they watched their ship sail off into the sunset, unmanned.

**Finis **


End file.
